Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
