I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
