Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
