Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
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He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
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I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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