I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
