Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The best revenge is premature balding
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
