apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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