I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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