EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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