I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
