it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
