Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
