All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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