On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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