apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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