Duck Duck Cougar?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
