go do what you do best...puke behind churches
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
