This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
