i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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