Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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