i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
