Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
