The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
