My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
