dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
