did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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