i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
