My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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