In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My bed smells like the plague
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