I think my fart just growled at me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
