He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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