You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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