I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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