Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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