I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Houston, we have a squirter
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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