at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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