franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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