i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
