mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
