Please, let me fuck your mom
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
