just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
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I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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