By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
