he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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