just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
