well I can't set my house on fire every night
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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