cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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