I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
