Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
