make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
