ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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