I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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