I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
