that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
